How therapeutic support can help parents break cycles of adversity and build safer, stronger connections

This post offers a compassionate look at why parenting can feel so difficult when your early experiences did not give you a secure foundation, and why understanding attachment, stress and adversity can help make sense of those struggles. It also explores how therapeutic programmes can create a space to learn, reflect, and practise new skills so that you and your child can grow together in safety and confidence.

Being a parent is widely described as one of the greatest joys of life. And yet, many birth parents facing difficult circumstances will tell you it can also feel like one of the hardest. Especially when:

  • You are parenting under the shadow of past childhood adversity (for example, your own experience of neglect, abuse, or domestic violence),
  • You’re navigating difficulties such as mental health challenges, past or present domestic abuse, or local authority involvement,
  • You feel at the edge of care – that your child might be removed or additional services may become involved, or that you’re being judged for not “doing it right”,
  • You didn’t grow up with confident, safe parenting as your model, so the whole idea of ‘parenting well’ feels unfamiliar or uncertain.

In these circumstances, it’s important to recognise something vital: parenting isn’t just something you either do or don’t do; it is a skill that can be learned, practised, and developed. That means there is room for change, growth and hope.

Why early life, attachment  and adversity matter

Understanding why the past matters helps explain how it is that today’s parenting can feel so hard. Two key concepts help us: attachment and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).

Attachment

The idea of attachment comes from work by John Bowlby and others. Attachment theory would suggest that children are born predisposed to seek security from their main caregivers, their big people. These caregivers should keep them safe and help them as they develop, grow and begin to explore the world around them.

For example, children who experience consistent, attuned caregiving tend to develop secure attachments, a sense that they are worthy of care, that others can be trusted, and that the world is safe enough to explore.

However, when a child’s caregiver is inconsistent, frightening, neglectful or overwhelmed by external stress, children may form a type of insecure attachment, which then will teach them how they manage stress, relate to others, trust, and regulate emotions.

Research in the UK context supports this: children with more insecure attachment in childhood were shown to have higher odds of depression and self-harm by age 18.

Adversity in childhood, such as exposure to domestic violence, parental mental illness, neglect, abuse, separation, or instability, is increasingly recognised as a powerful factor in shaping life outcomes, including physical and mental health.

One UK study found that lower maternal attachment in early infancy predicted increased risk of multiple risky behaviours in adolescence; maternal depression was a strong contributing factor.

What this means is: if you experienced early adversity, or your child is already carrying the weight of early life stress, the system of attachment and stress‑regulation is already under strain. You may find yourself or your child reacting from a place of fear or survival rather than from a calm, reflective state.

Why parenting can feel hard – even when you’re trying your best

If you grew up in a household where parenting was chaotic, unsafe, neglectful or absent, you may face several challenges:

  • Lack of positive parenting models: If you did not see a caregiver consistently reflecting, attuning and responding to your emotional needs, then you may feel uncertain about how to do that for your own child.
  • Survival patterns: Perhaps you learnt to focus on surviving, getting through the day, staying safe, and coping rather than developing cognitive reasoning and reflection. Those survival patterns serve a purpose, but they are not the same as reflective, attuned parenting.
  • Judgement and involvement: If you are working with local authority services or facing the possibility of care proceedings, the pressure can feel enormous. Many parents feel judged, that they are not good enough, that they are under a microscope. That kind of stress makes it harder to step back, reflect and respond thoughtfully to a child’s needs.
  • Intergenerational patterns: Research on ACEs and attachment suggests that the experiences you had as a child, and the way you formed relationships, can carry forward into how you parent, not because you “must”, but because the early wiring and emotional template still exist. And that’s okay because it also means you can change the template with new experiences.

So, when parenting feels overwhelming, it is understandable. It doesn’t mean you’re failing it means you’re human: you’re dealing with complexity, and you deserve support.

What a therapeutic parenting programme can offer

This is where a structured, therapeutic parenting programme (especially one tailored for birth parents) can make a significant difference. These programmes can provide:

A non judgemental space

One of the biggest barriers for many parents is fear of judgment. A safe, welcoming environment where you can reflect, share, learn and practice without shame is powerful.

By gaining insight into how early experiences affect brain, body and behaviour (both yours and your child’s), you can shift from “What’s wrong with us?” to “What’s happened for us? What’s going on beneath the behaviour?”

Practical tools for building connection, responding to challenge, managing emotions (yours and your child’s), creating structure, holding boundaries safely, promoting safe exploration, all aligned with the science of attachment.

The process isn’t just about “doing” but about “being”, reflecting on your own history, how it affects you now, giving yourself grace, recognising you are learning.

For families where there is local authority involvement, or risk of care proceedings, the earlier and more robust the support, the stronger the chance of staying together safely. Attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting support can reduce risk and promote resilience.

What does a therapeutic programme look like in practice?

Imagine a group of birth parents coming together weekly for a programme structured over several weeks. Together you might:

Explore your own story

What did your early years look like? What messages about parenting did you carry? What survival strategies did you develop?

Sessions that explain how the brain responds to stress, trauma, how attachment patterns develop, how early adversity can show up in behaviour, emotional reactivity, and relationship‑style.

What works? What feels hard? Where do you feel stuck? What triggers you or your child?

For example:

  • Creating a “safe base” for your child: consistent presence, calm responses, predictable routines.
  • Emotional attunement: noticing your child’s signals, responding with compassion rather than frustration.
  • Managing your own stress: recognising when you are triggered, pausing, coming back to your child rather than reacting from the past.
  • Repairing ruptures: mistakes happen. How do you come back from a moment of breakdown, rebuild a connection, rather than letting guilt or shame dominate?
  • Embedding reflection: “What have I learnt today? What will I do differently tomorrow?”

Hearing other parents’ stories, realising you’re not alone, being supported by a therapist or facilitator who understands trauma, attachment, and the pressures of local authority involvement.

Why this matters for your child and you

For your child:

  • They experience their big person who is more present, more attuned, less reactive, which helps them feel safe, learn to trust, and explore the world.
  • They are less exposed to the stress of chaotic patterns, which themselves have long-term impacts on health, behaviour and relationships. Research in the UK shows that early attachment difficulties correlate with later mental health challenges.
  • You create a relationship that is a “secure base” one of the most powerful buffers against adversity.

For you as a parent:

  • You gain more confidence, reduce self-judgement and guilt, and recognise that you can learn and change.
  • You become more mindful of your triggers and responses, less stuck in automatic patterns from your past.
  • You build a network of support and a different narrative: from “I’m failing” to “I’m learning, I care, I’m trying”.
  • Importantly, you permit yourself to be imperfect but to keep trying, reflecting, and growing.

Final thoughts: you are not alone and change is possible

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But I didn’t have a good model. I messed up. I’m being judged. I’m scared” – that is real, valid, and deeply human. What’s also true is this: your past does not have to dictate your child’s future. The fact that you are reflecting, searching, and reaching for support means you are already doing parenting differently.

The road won’t always be smooth. There will be moments when you feel triggered, when you regret, when you doubt yourself. But every time you pause, reflect, repair and keep going, you are building a different story for your family.

Courses that nurture attachment, understand early life trauma, and equip you with both insight and skill are a powerful way to rewrite the narrative for you and your child.

You are worth the time, the effort, the reflection. Your child is, too. And if you choose to join a therapeutic parenting programme, it might just become one of the most transformative decisions you make in your parenting journey

References

  • Clery P., Rowe A., Munafò M., Mahedy L. “Is attachment style in early childhood associated with mental health difficulties in late adolescence?” BJPsych Open (2021).
  • Reyes B.D., Hargreaves D.S., Creese H. “Early‑life maternal attachment and risky health behaviours in adolescence: findings from the United Kingdom Millennium Cohort Study.” BMC Public Health (2021).
  • “Attachment and child development” – NSPCC Learning.
  • ‘Creating Loving Attachments’ (2015) – Golding, K. & Hughes, D., Jessica Kinglesy.